Pet Loss Grief Support
One Who Knows My Heart
Re-printed with permission.
This beautiful Chinese symbol meaning "one who knows my heart" represents what most grievers want and need: Someone who understands the depth of their love for animals that lives in their hearts. Someone who knows the pain of their loss. Someone who accepts their bond with animals as real, as legitimate, as sacred. Someone who does not belittle or diminish this bond by suggesting that human bonds are more important, that human loss is the only real loss.
What any of us want when in pain is someone who simply "knows our heart" without judgment, without a need to fix us, someone who is simply willing and able to be with us in the space of our pain, honoring what we have lost.
For information on training and education in grief support visit the
The Animal Loss & Grief Support Institute
According to research conducted by Janice Harris Lloyd, author of Beyond Sympathy, people who are grieving want three basic things:
- being allowed to talk about their loss when they want to,
- having all of their feelings accepted, and
- being with others who have had similar experiences.
These things also might be pared down to wanting one thing: someone "who knows our heart".
In my own experiences with people grieving the loss of animal loved ones, over the years I have heard three overall categories of complaints about how they are not supported. These include other people:
- acting like nothing significant has happened,
- discounting their feelings or stopping their tears, and
- providing answers, platitudes, or trying to "fix" their grief.
So why is there a gap between what we want and need as grievers and what we often get?
In a society which has encouraged the denial of grief more than it's expression, especially when an animal has died, it's sometimes hard to know what to say to a client, co-worker, friend, or loved one who is grieving the loss of a beloved animal. We want to help but may not know quite how. We may feel awkward and unsure about what to do or say. Everyone, at some time in life, experiences significant loss and subsequent grief. Yet most of us, sometimes even professional helpers, are not familiar with responses and actions known to help or hinder another's grief recovery process, especially as they relate to the disenfranchised grief of animal loss. As a result, a complex web of unacknowledged and unattended emotions abound. Feelings of awkwardness, guilt, inadequacy, confusion and embarrassment are often experienced by supporters. Feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, outrage, and disappointment are common among grievers, who often wish the people around them would treat their loss and grief more appropriately.
The following guidelines, information and resources are offered to bring you practical assistance and inspiration in your quests to be effectively supportive.
You may want to consider taking the
Grief Support Skills Teleclass with Teresa
or other classes in the Animal Loss and Grief Support Professional Program of Study
Grief is indifferent to the species lost
Comments from Grievers:
The following comments are the actual words of participants of my Legacies of Love workshops held since 1986.
A heartfelt "thank you" to these wonderful people, who have offered a part of their story of grief to help the rest of us learn.
| Supportive things others have done or said in regard to my animal loss: | How it made me feel: |
|---|---|
| A stranger saying "you have my profound sympathy" | Relief, someone understood |
| "I'm sorry" | Understood |
| Priest presided over a service for our dog. | Relieved, forgiven |
| My friend was with me when my dog was euthanized. Later, she asked if I was going to be all right. Later still, she dropped off a soufflé casserole for my dinner. | Cared for and respected |
| I was asked to read the poem I wrote about my dog and at my meditation group | That the group cared and was concerned about my loss |
| Staff from a rehab center next door to my home brought me a stuffed doggie so "I wouldn't be lonesome" | That my grief was recognized. I loved their caring attitude |
| What does this feel like for you? | Cared for |
| Listened | Validated |
| Asked, "Can I help you call people?" | Loved the help |
| Close friend took initiative to help | Relieved |
| Recanting specific incidents | Happy, loved |
| Saying "It's all right to grieve" | Cared about |
| Saying "Take time to care for yourself now" | Cared about |
| I understand it is painful | Understood |
| When the time comes (for euthanasia) I'll be there if you want me to | Overjoyed |
| After the death of my horse a friend knocked softly then left. I opened the door to find a gift package and a beautiful card. | Happy to know someone knew how I felt about needing to be alone, but still reached out in my sorrow |
| An offer to call to talk anytime of the day or night | Supported in my grief |
| Several sympathy cards and loving, heart felt, caring, authentic notes. Also beautiful flowers | Loved. Acknowledged, like they cared and understood |
| Words of deep, profound understanding | Like someone loves animals the way I do |
| Silent understanding, sharing stories, laughing and crying together with my friend and ex-husband | Knowing we could talk about it when no one else could |
| Saying "I understand," nodding, sometimes even crying | Better, acknowledged, understood |
| Saying "I know how much you loved your dog" | Acknowledged |
| Saying "I know it hurts" | Like they cared |
| Boyfriend taking day off to be with me | Supported and loved |
| Someone sent a poem in the mail | Warm and comforted |
To know someone who thinks and feels with us. . .
and who is close to us in spirit, makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.
~ Goethe
| Unsupportive things others have done or said in regard to my animal loss: | How it made me feel: |
|---|---|
| "You'll have more freedom now" | Desolate |
| "You had to give too much time to that big dog anyway" | He was my fun, beloved dog, a definite important part of my life. I no longer socialize with that person. |
| Not hearing from a close friend | Sad, unloved; hurt, angry |
| She lived a full life | Angry. Who are you to judge the appropriate length of a life! |
| "Don't blame yourself" | Of course I blame myself. In human life it would have been negligence. |
| "Why don't you just go get another dog" | Startled! How could she consider that another dog could easily replace her? She was not just my dog, she was my little girl. |
| "I knew it was just a matter of time" | Enraged! I wanted to hit her. I couldn't look at her. |
| I heard someone say about me, ". . .oh she's doing better. It's been five weeks now." | Violated. If you don't know how I'm feeling then don't assume you do. Say "I don't know." |
| "Well, he's not in pain now" | Sad |
| "You'll get over it. Everyone goes through a few bad days" | Like an alien from Mars ~ thoroughly misunderstood and estranged |
| "Good thing he died before the ground froze, then you'd have to take your horse to the dump" | Furious, cut off |
| "You have lots of other animals" | So? What has that got to do with my grief for the animal I lost? |
| Not even listening to me | Angry, let down. Why did I even count on this person as a friend if they can't even listen. |
| Disappearing for about five days after my cat died. | Really lonely. The person I spent the most time with leaving me during such pain. |
| "It's just a part of life. You're going to have to get over it." | Duh. No shit, but right now all I feel is sadness. I'm not ready to get over it yet. |
| "You have to accept this." | Dumbfounded |
| "He's happy, he's OK. Someone is probably caring for him" (lost dog) | Angry |
| "Have you considered that your dog was taken to a research lab?" (lost dog) | Helpless |
| "Why didn't you do this, or do that?" | Frustrated |
| "Get over it" | Guarded |
| "It was for the best. She's through suffering" | Horrible. Did I contribute to the suffering? |
| "I know what you are going through" | VERY rarely does anyone know |
| "They lived a good, long life" | Ticked, Dumb comment. |
| "What you need to get over this is to get back to work, and a good kick in the ass." | Wanted to kill this person |
Sadly, many people who suffer loss also experience a second injury,
at the hands of those who wish to comfort and support them, but don't know how.
Out of anxiety or ignorance, they say and do hurtful things.
Or worse they abandon their friend or loved one
because they don't know what to say or do.
~ Janice Harris Lloyd, Beyond Sympathy
You may want to visit The Animal Loss & Grief Support Institute
and explore the following teleclasses:
Legacies of Love, Gentle Healing from the Loss of Your Animal Loved One
The Animals' Perspectives of Death, The Other Side and Coming Back
Grief Support Skills: Effectively Helping Others Through Grief
A Gentle Alternative to Cremation
Gentle Pet Crossing provides afterlife care services for pets in the form of cremation through water, or aquamation, with a peaceful sanctuary and facilities for formal pet funeral gatherings where you can give your pet a peaceful, loving goodbye.
Aerial Dispersion of Remains
If your animal has been cremated, this is an opportunity to have the ashes dispersed into the Pacific Ocean over the magnificent Big Sur coastline.
Contact Cloud-Nine Coastal Flights at:
831-386-6268 or 831-385-4362 e-mail: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. www.cloud9flights.com
Addiction and Grief
The Recovery Village
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/co-occurring-disorders/grief/
Books, Audio and Video
Animal Loss
Pet Loss and Children
General Grief: book catalogs, web sites, books
Death, Dying and Afterlife
Unless otherwise noted, all items listed below are further described and can be ordered from Amazon.com by clicking on the title or cover of the book. If you leave this site to order a book and wish to return here, simply click your Back button.
Animal Loss
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Legacies of Love, A Gentle Guide to Healing From the Loss of Your Animal Loved OneTeresa Wagner, M.S. With heartfelt empathy and love, these four CDs provide animal lovers who are grieving with a compelling message of hope and renewal. The author's healing and gentle voice leads the listener through a journey of understanding grief and how animal loss is different. Listeners learn not only how to survive and cope through loss, but to navigate their way to truly heal and find meaningful growth. They are guided through a meditation with an original score of soothing music. Click here for excerpts and reviews or outline of contents. Four CD Audiobook: Three hours running time |
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Blessing the Bridge, What Animals Teach Us About Death, Dying and Beyond, by Rita ReynoldsHIGHLY RECOMMENDED This is the very best book I have ever found to support us during the poignant and emotionally challenging time of supporting our animals and ourselves when our beloved animals are nearing the end of life, during their actual transition and after death. Reynolds does not speak from a lofty, intellectual or moralistic perspective, but rather from the depths of her heart. Her book is based on several years of being lovingly present with many animals at her sanctuary during their illness and death. She speaks with great spiritual wisdom, love and kindness. Sample chapter titles: Each Creature Brings a Gift; Euthanasia, the Merciful Release; The Art of Letting Go; Communicating without Words; The Power of Prayer; A Hand to Hold, a Soul to Ease; Tools for Caregivers. |
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My Personal Pet Remembrance Journal, Enid Traisman, MSWHIGHLY RECOMMENDED as a comforting, compassionate journal to write about our animal loved ones' lives, our relationship, their passing, and our grief. |
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Good Grief, Finding Peace After Pet Loss by Sid Korpi Author Sid Korpi explains, “The pain of losing a beloved animal companion is unlike any other. However, because our society on the whole discounts our grief as frivolous since we’ve ‘merely lost an animal,’ too many of us feel we must keep silent in our anguish or be labeled somehow defective. Good Grief: Finding Peace After Pet Loss ends the misperception that we must suffer in solitary confinement and thus prolong, or stay permanently stuck in, our grief.” |
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The Daisy Sutra: Conversations with my Dog, Helen Weaver
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Grieving the Death of a Pet, Betty J. CarmackA comprehensive and comforting book by a long time experienced pet loss counselor. Includes chapters: A Time to Love, A Time to Get Ready, A Time to Let Go, A Time to Grieve, A Time to Heal. |
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Spirit Dogs: Heroes in Heaven, Susan Kelleher |
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Final Farewell: Preparing for & Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, Marty Tousley, Katherine Heuerman |
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Good-Bye, My Friend: Pet Cemeteries, Memorials, and Other Ways to Remember, Michele Lanci-Altomare
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Animal Loss and Children
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Badger's Parting Gifts, Susan VarleyWhen Badger dies, each friend remembers a special skill that Badger had taught him. In remembering those "gifts", Badger's memory stays alive and the mourners' hearts are soothed. |
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Cat Heaven, Cynthia RylantA rhyming text describes a realm in which felines are fed from God's countertop, a place where they no longer get stuck in trees because now they can fly. There are thousands of toys, and soft angel laps in which to cuddle. There is even a quiet time to look back on former homes and loving people. Childlike, bright illustrations; appropriate to young children mourning the loss of a beloved cat. |
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Dog Heaven, Cynthia RylantSimilar to Cat Heaven, comforting and appropriate to young children grieving the loss of a beloved dog. |
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For Every Dog an Angel, Christine DavisFor Every Dog An angel is a light, magical little book that honors the timeless connection between people and their canine companions. Written from the heart after the unexpected loss of her "forever dog" Martha, this charming book will bring comfort to anyone who has ever had to say goodbye to their best four-legged friend. (atuhor also wrote For Every Cat an Angel--also highly recommeded!) |
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I'll Always Love You, Hans WilhelmTender story about a little boy and the dog he has grown up and played with since it was a puppy. As the dog grows old and one day dies, the boy is very glad he remembered to tell his dog every day, "I'll always love you." |
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It Must Hurt a Lot, Doris SanfordWhen Joshua's dog, Muffin, is killed suddenly he feels no one understands how much he misses him. Then one day Joshua realizes he has learned some special secrets about loss and life. By expressing his feelings he gains strengths and insights. A tender and wise story about the possibility of growth through grief. |
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Suho and the White Horse, Yozo OtsukaMongolian folktale about a poor shepherd boy who saves a newborn foal and raises it until it beceoms "as dear as his own life." When the horse is cruelly wounded and dies, Suho is shattered by sorrow. The horse appears in a dream to Suho and offers hope and encouragement: "You must not mourn me. Take my bones, hide and sinews and use them to make an instrument to play on, then I will be able to stay by your side forever." Touching, well-told story about the deep love we share with animals and the healing power of using their gifts long after death. |
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The Accident, Carol CarrickWhen a boy's dog is hit and killed by a car, he experiences a range of emotions and reactions including shock, anger, sadness, resentment, and finally reconciliation with his loss. |
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The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, Judith ViorstBarney the cat has died ad his owner tries to think of 10 nice things to say about him at the funeral; he can only think of 9 things. Several days later, he realizes Barney's remains will become part of the great cycle of birth-death-rebirth. |
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What is God?, Etan BoritzerA beautifully illustrated children's book (for all ages--including adults!) which describes God in perhaps a more understandable way than any theological text or religious dogma ever could to a child. A bonus is that a dog in involved in the story. |
General Grief Books
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The Grief Recovery Handbook ~ A Step-by-Step Program for moving Beyond Loss, John James & Frank CherryThe founders of the Grief Recovery Institute have written an excellent book describing steps necessary to resolve loss, written from their personal experiences as well as from their experiences with thousands of workshop participants. Includes very helpful exercises for working through loss. |
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Beyond Grief, Carol StaudacherWritten both for the bereaved and the helping professional, this book combines personal stories of many grievers with a step-by-step approach to grief recovery. It acknowledges the pain of loss and is hopeful and loving. It says to the grieving person: you are not alone, you can get through this, there is a path back to feeling alive and vital again. Given high praise by grief counselors, the book has been described as "a warm practical book," "a valuable resource," and "a complete joy to read." |
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How To Survive The Loss of a Love, Melba Colgrove, Ph.D., Harold Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliamsA soothing blend of comfort and pragmatic help, poetry and practical steps to healing. Though the title suggests "love loss", it is really about any loss. This classic is a great bedside book for those moments of needing immediate empathy and comfort. A compantion workbook, Surviving, Healing & Growing ~ The Workbook by the same authors, is full of helpful exercises to work through the issues of loss. |
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To Heal Again ~ Toward the Serenity and the Resolution of Grief, Rusty BerkusThis is a "feel good right away" book filled with beautiful illustrations, acknowledgement of the pain of loss, and strong hopes that we can find meaning from it. It reads as a lovely poem. |
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When a Man Faces Grief, 12 Practical Ideas to Help You Heal from Loss, Jim E. Miller and Tom GoldenThese two male grief support professionals teamed up to write this concise, informative guide. |
General Grief Book Catalogs and Web Sites
Compassion Books www.compassionbooks.com
477 Hannah Branch Road, Burnsville, NC 28714 828-675-5909
Compassion Books is by far the best resource in the world for locating and buying books and videos on death and dying, loss, grief and serious illness. Their resources address the needs of children, adults and caregivers. Call to order a copy of their color catalog with over 400 titles (all titles are not on their web site). If you ever find yourself looking for a supportive book on a specific issue of loss, Compassion Books is more likely to have what you are looking for than any other source known. Founded by Donna O'Toole, author of several books on grief.
Willowgreen www.willowgreen.com
This site features the work of Jim Miller, writer, photographer, trainer and speaker, grief counselor and clergyman. I have been familiar with Jim's work for a number of years. Each tape and video is deeply inspiring and spiritually comforting, while offering practical, psychologically sound advice about the tender experience of loss. His works shine with a brilliant light of hope and genuine love. As I read his books and watch the videos, I feel like I've been personally cared for by this sensitive and wise author, and feel touched by God. Visit this site to view Jim's dozens of healing books and tapes, to read excerpts from his books, or to send an electronic card of hope to someone (includes a pet loss card.
The books and classes of Gabriel Constans, Ph.D.
Don't Just Sit There, Do Something! Grief's Wake Up Call
On line classes on Transformative Grief, Complicated Grief, Men and Grief,
Good Grief Love Loss and Laughter
Death, Dying and Afterlife
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Animals in Spirit, Penelope SmithA book in which the author, the renowned animal communication pioneer, explores the subjects of animal death from a spritual perspective. Both informative and comforting, this tape fathoms the process of dying from animals' and people's viewpoints, working through guilt and grieving, when to consider euthanasia, and what happens after animals depart from the phsysical body. Highly recommended for those who already believe in reincarnation or for those who are exploring these beliefs. Includes a story written by Teresa Wagner. |
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Animals and the Afterlife, Kim SheridanThis book is a treasure. I've recommended it to many, many clients who rave about it--the stories and the comfort and support it's given them. I hope it will do the same for you. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! |
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The Next Place, Warren HansonA hardcover, exquisitely illustrated children's book, this is a book for all ages for inspiration and comfort about what the experience of heaven, the other side, must be like. HIGHLY, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! |
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Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying, Stephen Levine, Ondrea LevineOne of many of their extraordinary books, this is a compassionate and spiritual guide to dying and grieving which transcends the narrow limitations of a particular paradigm or dogma. See Amazon's listing of all their books and tapes. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED |
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On Death and Dying, What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families, Elisabeth Kubler-RossOne of many classics by hospice and death education pioneer Kubler-Ross |
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The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal RinpocheA Tibetan Buddhist view of death |
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As Someone Dies ~ A Handbook for the Living, Elizabeth A. JohnsonAn inspiring and practical book to guide the living as a loved one dies. |
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Talking to Heaven ~ A Medium's Mesage of Life After Death, James Van PraaghThe inspiring classic describing real stories of communication with loved ones after death. |
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Destiny of Souls, Michael Newton, Ph.DIn this sequel to his popular Journey of Souls, Newton explores what happens to the soul after death and addresses angels, ghosts, reincarnation, why certain people are drawn together, and what lessons the soul is intended to learn, casting new light on life's events and relationships. |
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Lessons From the Light, George AndersonHe brings a message of hope and love in his book, describing many communications with the deceased loved ones of his clients. Helps us better understand our on-going conection to loved ones after physical death. |
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Messages from the Masters: Tapping into the Power of Love, Brian Weiss, MDIn Many Lives, Many Masters, Brian Weiss opened an unexpected door into the astonishing realm of past-life regression. In Only Love Is Real, he showed us how we all possess soul mates from our pasts who wait to reunite with us today. Now, drawing on the wisdom of the Masters, the spirit guides who shape our destinies, bestselling author Brian Weiss gives us his most outstanding achievement to date. He reveals the essential life force in the universe and the ultimate healing energy. Its name is love. And he shows us how to harness its awesome power. |
