Tips to Support Others Who Grieve
One Who Knows My Heart
Re-printed with permission.
This beautiful Chinese symbol meaning "one who knows my heart" represents what most grievers want and need: Someone who understands the depth of their love for animals that lives in their hearts. Someone who knows the pain of their loss. Someone who accepts their bond with animals as real, as legitimate, as sacred. Someone who does not belittle or diminish this bond by suggesting that human bonds are more important, that human loss is the only real loss.
What any of us want when in pain is someone who simply "knows our heart" without judgment, without a need to fix us, someone who is simply willing and able to be with us in the space of our pain, honoring what we have lost.
For information on training and education in grief support visit the
The Animal Loss & Grief Support Institute
According to research conducted by Janice Harris Lloyd, author of Beyond Sympathy, people who are grieving want three basic things:
- being allowed to talk about their loss when they want to,
- having all of their feelings accepted, and
- being with others who have had similar experiences.
These things also might be pared down to wanting one thing: someone "who knows our heart".
In my own experiences with people grieving the loss of animal loved ones, over the years I have heard three overall categories of complaints about how they are not supported. These include other people:
- acting like nothing significant has happened,
- discounting their feelings or stopping their tears, and
- providing answers, platitudes, or trying to "fix" their grief.
So why is there a gap between what we want and need as grievers and what we often get?
In a society which has encouraged the denial of grief more than it's expression, especially when an animal has died, it's sometimes hard to know what to say to a client, co-worker, friend, or loved one who is grieving the loss of a beloved animal. We want to help but may not know quite how. We may feel awkward and unsure about what to do or say. Everyone, at some time in life, experiences significant loss and subsequent grief. Yet most of us, sometimes even professional helpers, are not familiar with responses and actions known to help or hinder another's grief recovery process, especially as they relate to the disenfranchised grief of animal loss. As a result, a complex web of unacknowledged and unattended emotions abound. Feelings of awkwardness, guilt, inadequacy, confusion and embarrassment are often experienced by supporters. Feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, outrage, and disappointment are common among grievers, who often wish the people around them would treat their loss and grief more appropriately.
The following guidelines, information and resources are offered to bring you practical assistance and inspiration in your quests to be effectively supportive.
You may want to consider taking the
Grief Support Skills Teleclass with Teresa
or other classes in the Animal Loss and Grief Support Professional Program of Study
Grief is indifferent to the species lost
Comments from Grievers:
The following comments are the actual words of participants of my Legacies of Love workshops held since 1986.
A heartfelt "thank you" to these wonderful people, who have offered a part of their story of grief to help the rest of us learn.
| Supportive things others have done or said in regard to my animal loss: | How it made me feel: |
|---|---|
| A stranger saying "you have my profound sympathy" | Relief, someone understood |
| "I'm sorry" | Understood |
| Priest presided over a service for our dog. | Relieved, forgiven |
| My friend was with me when my dog was euthanized. Later, she asked if I was going to be all right. Later still, she dropped off a soufflé casserole for my dinner. | Cared for and respected |
| I was asked to read the poem I wrote about my dog and at my meditation group | That the group cared and was concerned about my loss |
| Staff from a rehab center next door to my home brought me a stuffed doggie so "I wouldn't be lonesome" | That my grief was recognized. I loved their caring attitude |
| What does this feel like for you? | Cared for |
| Listened | Validated |
| Asked, "Can I help you call people?" | Loved the help |
| Close friend took initiative to help | Relieved |
| Recanting specific incidents | Happy, loved |
| Saying "It's all right to grieve" | Cared about |
| Saying "Take time to care for yourself now" | Cared about |
| I understand it is painful | Understood |
| When the time comes (for euthanasia) I'll be there if you want me to | Overjoyed |
| After the death of my horse a friend knocked softly then left. I opened the door to find a gift package and a beautiful card. | Happy to know someone knew how I felt about needing to be alone, but still reached out in my sorrow |
| An offer to call to talk anytime of the day or night | Supported in my grief |
| Several sympathy cards and loving, heart felt, caring, authentic notes. Also beautiful flowers | Loved. Acknowledged, like they cared and understood |
| Words of deep, profound understanding | Like someone loves animals the way I do |
| Silent understanding, sharing stories, laughing and crying together with my friend and ex-husband | Knowing we could talk about it when no one else could |
| Saying "I understand," nodding, sometimes even crying | Better, acknowledged, understood |
| Saying "I know how much you loved your dog" | Acknowledged |
| Saying "I know it hurts" | Like they cared |
| Boyfriend taking day off to be with me | Supported and loved |
| Someone sent a poem in the mail | Warm and comforted |
To know someone who thinks and feels with us. . .
and who is close to us in spirit, makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.
~ Goethe
| Unsupportive things others have done or said in regard to my animal loss: | How it made me feel: |
|---|---|
| "You'll have more freedom now" | Desolate |
| "You had to give too much time to that big dog anyway" | He was my fun, beloved dog, a definite important part of my life. I no longer socialize with that person. |
| Not hearing from a close friend | Sad, unloved; hurt, angry |
| She lived a full life | Angry. Who are you to judge the appropriate length of a life! |
| "Don't blame yourself" | Of course I blame myself. In human life it would have been negligence. |
| "Why don't you just go get another dog" | Startled! How could she consider that another dog could easily replace her? She was not just my dog, she was my little girl. |
| "I knew it was just a matter of time" | Enraged! I wanted to hit her. I couldn't look at her. |
| I heard someone say about me, ". . .oh she's doing better. It's been five weeks now." | Violated. If you don't know how I'm feeling then don't assume you do. Say "I don't know." |
| "Well, he's not in pain now" | Sad |
| "You'll get over it. Everyone goes through a few bad days" | Like an alien from Mars ~ thoroughly misunderstood and estranged |
| "Good thing he died before the ground froze, then you'd have to take your horse to the dump" | Furious, cut off |
| "You have lots of other animals" | So? What has that got to do with my grief for the animal I lost? |
| Not even listening to me | Angry, let down. Why did I even count on this person as a friend if they can't even listen. |
| Disappearing for about five days after my cat died. | Really lonely. The person I spent the most time with leaving me during such pain. |
| "It's just a part of life. You're going to have to get over it." | Duh. No shit, but right now all I feel is sadness. I'm not ready to get over it yet. |
| "You have to accept this." | Dumbfounded |
| "He's happy, he's OK. Someone is probably caring for him" (lost dog) | Angry |
| "Have you considered that your dog was taken to a research lab?" (lost dog) | Helpless |
| "Why didn't you do this, or do that?" | Frustrated |
| "Get over it" | Guarded |
| "It was for the best. She's through suffering" | Horrible. Did I contribute to the suffering? |
| "I know what you are going through" | VERY rarely does anyone know |
| "They lived a good, long life" | Ticked, Dumb comment. |
| "What you need to get over this is to get back to work, and a good kick in the ass." | Wanted to kill this person |
Sadly, many people who suffer loss also experience a second injury,
at the hands of those who wish to comfort and support them, but don't know how.
Out of anxiety or ignorance, they say and do hurtful things.
Or worse they abandon their friend or loved one
because they don't know what to say or do.
~ Janice Harris Lloyd, Beyond Sympathy
